Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
