i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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