I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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