Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
