i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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