70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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