call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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