I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
