I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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