He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
