I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
