She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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