so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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