The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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