Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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