What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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