My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize