she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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