...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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