Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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