I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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