He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
