i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
