I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
