Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
