I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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