okay pat passed out under dana's car
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize