I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
