Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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