my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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