This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
