when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
