yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
