so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
