I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
