U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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