She is in my trunk
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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