During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
