I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
