If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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