i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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