masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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