Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
