She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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