I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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