I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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