i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
