U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
