When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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