its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
