if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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