I faked an abortion last night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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