If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
