I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
