I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
