She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
